I have been meaning to write this blog for a while. Amazingly enough.. it’s really hard for me to do. The time has come for me to move on. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be loading up a car and driving back east to Illinois.
When I first moved out to Oakland and the Bay area, it was for many reasons. First and foremost – to live with my then fiance, Jason. He was going to school here, and flying back and forth was draining both our money and our energy. It only made sense for me to pack up a few belongings and head to sunny California. Secondly, I moved here for me.
When I was a child, I moved a lot. A whole lot. Both my parents were in the military, so through the years I never stayed in one spot for very long. It became natural to me to pick up and go, to start over. Once my parents divorced, I found I missed that. I missed new places, new friends, new experiences and a new life around every corner.
Life threw me a few curveballs. Life always does. In an attempt to cope with the bad things in the world, I became a hermit. I closed myself off, didn’t leave the house unless I had to, stopped talking to friends.. I slowly but surely became agoraphobic. I would literally have panic attacks every time I went into public. I didn’t even know what was happening to me. I remember my mother taking me to a dentist appointment once, and I flipped. I couldn’t stop crying or shaking. She didn’t know what was going on either.
Then Christmas of 2007 rolled around. My mother came over and was helping me decorate my house. I was sad, I cried to her and told her how I was lonely. I was tired of being alone. She said to keep the faith.. that god had plans for us all.
I don’t know that I believe in god, but true enough.. a few days later Jason walked back into my life. He was back in Illinois for a visit and came over to my house for my New Year’s party. Things progressed.. and I ended up in California.. where he dumped me.
When Jason left me, I was confused. Here I was, in a new life, a new place, a new job, a new relationship, and all of a sudden the rug was pulled out from under me. I didn’t have anyone out here. I couldn’t just leave though. I had promised myself that moving to California wasn’t just for him, that it was for me too. So I had to prove it, to put my money where my mouth was. I got a new place, moved in, and spent four wonderful months by myself in Oakland.
I learned a lot of things while I lived here. I learned that city life isn’t as glamourous as everyone thinks it is, that promises of forever are always lies, that you can walk down the street full of people and feel invisible, that street kids aren’t as needy and down on their luck as they pretend to be, that all the stereotypes about California are true.. especially about Berkeley, that living in a fantasy doesn’t fill the empty hole inside of you.
I also learned, that people are far nicer than I will ever give them credit for. I learned that I am pretty. Not just girl next door pretty like I used to think.. but here in the city, I realized I am absolutely beautiful and desireable. I learned I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, and that being happy doesn’t mean I am forgetting about the bad things in the world. Here, I gave myself permission to be happy, to be loved, to be desired, to live my life for me.
A piece of my heart will always reside in Oakland. The community here is one I have never experienced in my life. Oddly enough in general.. people are nicer here than anywhere else I’ve ever been. I will wonder if Yacine from Mali, the piano player who came into the cafe just to play music will think of me, or Lee, the lady who did my eyebrows and owned the nail shop down the corner. She remembered my name and waved at me every single time I walked past. Or Omar, the owner of the 99cent store. I’ll miss his smile and his happy phrase “How are you my friend! I am glad to see you!” because I know he honestly was. I’ll miss the homeless guy who crocheted hats and sold them at the bart station, I will miss the nice latino family whose patriarch was murdered down the street from me a month ago. I’ll miss Ruth and her insanity, I’ll miss the warm sunshine, the flowers that smell sweeter than I could have ever imagined, the dirt, the bay, the ocean, the bridge, the city, the lights, the sparkle, the shine, the feeling of being part of something big, and yet so small in the sea of faces.
But.. it’s time to go home. It’s time for me to prove that I can still be me, wherever I am.
