I had my first one on one rehearsal with the director for Macbeth yesterday afternoon. Before I get into what I took away from that, I feel like I should take a step back and mark some progress.
This past year has been a whirlwind. Since directing/producing/costuming/stage managing/running lights & sound/writing my show last summer From Shakespeare, with Love, I’ve been non-stop theatre kid. So much so, that both of my favorite directors have said I am the hardest working person in showbiz, and this past weekend, one asked me to slow down because he’s afraid I’m going to end up having a heart attack from the stress of it all.
First was A Streetcar Named Desire where I played Stella. I wouldn’t normally say I’m a “Stella” type. I can be mousy, sure, but 90% of the time, I’m cast as the unbreakable strong woman who has a bitchy side. Stella is so much more contained than that. It was an experience to see the flip side of the coin, and I was so happy to have the chance to play someone who is so raw and vulnerable in those short little bursts. By the end of it, I had my “moment” – Other theatre people know what I mean by that – The moment you have in the show where it just… clicks. Where everything makes sense, and where you really and truly feel it. For Stella, that moment was right after the dinner and when she went into labor. I had rehearsed the line “you didn’t have to do that.” a thousand different ways, and had already made the choice of tactic. When the lights were on, when the performance started, the audience was there, I turned around, looked at James (Who was playing Stanley) and said “You didn’t have to do that” – In that moment, I started to cry. I had never cried before, it just wasn’t there before. I felt it then. It was Stella’s breaking point, the point at which she started down the path to become Blanche. My friend Ben has said many times, that when you’re onstage, there are many emotions floating around – eventually one wins out. I didn’t expect it, but it happened, and I went with it. That moment made Stella who she was.
Next was Kill Me Deadly in which I had to overcome a lot of my own personal issues. I was cast opposite James again, and he has told me since then, that he often had his doubts on if I could play this part or not. I was Mona, the femme fatale. Most of the time I am comfortable with myself, and my body. I know I’m not as skinny as I could be, but I am a happy size 10. Not small, by any means, especially in the acting world, but I feel as if my shape is womanly and beautiful in it’s own right. Mona shattered those perceptions. I had to play a woman who was stunningly beautiful. Someone who sang (ONSTAGE!) and sauntered around like she knew she was gorgeous. So in that, I had to believe it myself. They put me in a slinky red dress, which showed every bump and curve and fluff. How was I supposed to compete against these nubile in-shape 20 year olds? On top of that, I had to sing a song, all by myself, onstage, in the middle of the show. I haven’t sang onstage in 10 years. By the end of it, I put my makeup and costume on, and honestly believed I was beautiful. It was an amazing thing.
Now we have Macbeth. I am playing Lady Macbeth. The entire prospect of it terrifies me, but at the same time I am so excited I don’t want it to ever end. The director is pushing me in places I didn’t know I needed to work on. Yesterday, at our one on one, he had me go through my longer monologues, and picked apart where I needed to work on it. His biggest note? I needed to form a deep, visceral connection to the character.
That sent me spinning. I thought I already had done that. I thought I was there. Clearly I had not. He told me I was saying everything perfectly. My voice was there, my movements… but he didn’t feel it. That I was making safe choices. This of course, caused me to seriously consider my acting ability. Sure, I had had those moments – like the one in Streetcar, but I hadn’t had an entire show like that. He was asking me to do that.
The question now, is am I capable of doing it? I’ve spent my entire life being in control of my emotions. Of keeping myself in line, so that I play everything safe. Now I’m being told that I have to do the opposite. I have to let myself go, and just feel. I am scared. Beyond scared. I am terrified of letting go completely, because I don’t want to stay there. If I let go, will I be able to get back? That is the major question on my mind. I want to make this performance something great, but will I lose myself in the process?
